Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Warning: Do not leave cell phone unattended.

Dear Followers Who Actually Read & Remember What I Write:

It is finally time for the story of The Jewish Prince. Dad, you may not want to read this one. I'm serious this time.

Jewish Prince (JP) is a strapping, (Jewish) 30-year old with a nice structured jaw line and mysterious eyes. We had fun little phone/text conversations for about a week and he kept my attention throughout, which rarely happens. He's also a journalist and so I instantly gave him points for knowing how to write. The fact that he writes for a Human Resources magazine (snore) doesn't much matter to me. He still gets to wear a Press Pass. I decided to entertain seeing him for about...35 seconds.

Because something quite bizarre happened.

JP came over one night after visiting me at work. I was surprised because I wasn't expecting it, but I kind of liked it. I was actually more concerned with the fact that he visited on a day that I hadn't washed my hair and wasn't wearing a particularly cute outfit. I like to be prepared for these types of run-ins.

Because I was so unprepared to have a gentleman caller visit Apartment G8, JP agreed to go grab a Starbucks down the street while I showered, put on a little tinted moisturizer and tidied up. I begged my no-boundaries friend, KvF, to stay over because I barely knew JP, and just incase he was a serial killer, he would have to kill us both. She agreed to third-wheel it. I am still ridiculously grateful. You'll find out why if you keep reading!

Things were going seemingly well. The three of us watched the Oscars together and even bet on who was going to win in each category. The winner was awarded random things we found in our pockets/purse. I ended up with Madonna's Immaculate Collection CD. Score. Everyone began to let their guard down. And by this I mean that JP left his phone on the coffee table while I gave him a little tour of my abode.

A costly mistake.

KvF was lying on the couch located next to the coffee table. Allegedly, his phone rang over and over, signaling new text messages. This caused KvF to enter into full manic mode; she picked up his phone and read everything. New texts, old texts, incoming and outgoing. Oh, and his picture messages.

Here's what she found:

1. A few days prior to hanging with me, JP performed some type of heavenly oral pleasure on an African American woman who texted him asking for round 2. And I quote, "I can't wait to have your face between my legs."

2. The same woman enjoyed sending pictures of her lady parts to him via picture message.

3. JP slept with a drunk chick who woke up in his clothes, left his house and locked herself out, had to call her parents from a neighbor's phone and is now grounded. Re-read that again: she's grounded. This leads me to believe she's either 12 or still lives at home with two really strict parents. Nice.

4. Various other texts detailing his sexual prowess, were saved by JP, seemingly for him to look at and fantasize about.

5. There was also a picture of his ex-girlfriend. She was pretty according to KvF. Waifish but pretty. This one didn't bother me. It's just weird that I learned it so early.

Here's the thing people. I am well aware that by no fault of his own, JP's cards were thrown on the table long before they were supposed to. I'm also aware that KvF royally invaded his privacy. I felt horrible about that for two seconds actually. I even tried to talk to him the next day and pretend I didn't know a thing. But the phrase, "I can't wait to have your face between my legs," kept resounding in my mind. In fact, throughout the next few days, every time KvF asked me a question, I answered with that statement. Right now I'm laughing about it. I might be obsessed with it actually. It's really fun to say.

That made things kind of awkward.

JP threw out the olive branch and volunteered to tell me his whole life story after I admitted that I was having a hard time taking him seriously. We had a rather deep conversation about both of our pasts and kind of decided to "put the situation behind us". Good in theory, bad in reality. "We're putting that behind us," is for long-term relationships only. When the boyfriend screws up but you love him enough to give him a get-out-of-jail-free pass. He forgot Valentine's day this year. That's okay, he got you a David Yurman last year. Put it behind you. It doesn't work when you just met someone. In the beginning, the best part is imagining him being the best thing that's ever happened to you. Instead I was imagining him in compromising sexual positions. This was not going to work.

I decided to be a mature young lady and call JP to tell him it was over before it even began. This was the first time I'd ever done something like this. I usually just ignore until they get the hint or do something really horrible so that they are forced to hate me. This time I went for the honesty route. Aired dirty laundry aside, I may have liked the guy enough to be respectful.

JP was not happy about it. He kicked and screamed a little. He even insulted me a tiny bit, without realizing it. But he knew the damage was done.

He's now free to go plant his face all over town if he wants to. Back in between picture-sender's legs, the 12 year old, or in a hole. But this sweet little Catholic girl (right) has apparently learned a lesson no one's ever taught him: keep your phone on silent!


  1. Hahahaha! I've been waiting for this story. AWE (wait for it) SOME! I would have had a hard time keeping a straight face (even without legs in the way) and would have been making jokes too.

  2. Yes, I couldn't stop taking cheap shots which was actually not fair to him. Everything happens for a reason, I suppose! It made for a great story that took way too long for me to post. My most vulgar story yet but I just had to relay it to my readers!

  3. That just may be one of the greatest stories ever told.... and its just as great hearing if for the second time!

  4. Not one of my proudest moments, but oh so glad I went through with it, you forgot the part where he asked if I would go out with him!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  5. I cant believe that all happened!... I love how K checked his phone, thats hilarious, I would have done the same thing. Good thing she saved you from a weird sexual predator, or to be fair without completely judging him, a really creepy guy!

  6. It was funnier when you giggled and stumbled your way through the conversation. This eloquent prose as presented does it no justice.

  7. P.S. please tell me you made at least 5 HR jokes about the appropriateness of face, legs, and messaging. If not, I'm angry with you.

  8. Ya know what's hilarious about this post? I was nervous that I had disclosed way too much here and that I was getting way too vulgar. Yet it's received the most feedback! I guess it's time for me to start unleashing more. I've got more where this came from! Thanks all for reading me. I love you!