Dear Gigantic Cockroach In My Bathroom,
Listen up dear. I'm sick of your shit. I know you wait until dusk to come out and tease me. God knows where you're at during the day. (Hopefully not playing around in my underwear drawer). But really, I'm starting to become royally angry and neurotically creeped out. First of all, you're huge. I've never seen a cockroach your size. You must be Queen Roach, Momma R or whatever you cockroaches call the head of the family. But let me fill you in on a little somethin' somethin': I'm Head Bitch In Charge in Apartment G8. We don't have room for you here.
Worst part about you is the location you've chosen. Behind my vanity and toilet? Really? As if the sight of you isn't revolting enough. I now can't use the bathroom to do my business without my eyes constantly darting, wondering if you're going to jump in my lap. When I'm not in there, have you touched my toothbrush? Do cockroaches lay eggs? If so, what if I'm ingesting baby cockroach eggs when I brush my teeth because you're laying eggs on it while I'm not in there? You're sort of ruining my life.
Last night I had two really bad dreams. The second involved you. Yes, you've reached my sub-conscious. You were in my bed with me, climbing up my leg. I nearly died. You're haunting me you little #*#%@#^@.
Last but not least, I know you're missing a leg. You know why I know that? Because you know I almost got ya' the other night! Yeah, remember me? The one who almost ended you at 3 am when I had to pee and saw you chilling out next to the soap? I grabbed my biggest shoe and whacked you with all my might.
But you're a fast little bugger, aren't ya? I only got a piece of your leg.
Just you wait, you little life-wrecker. I'm coming for ya! I got more where that came from.
We could, however, just settle this nicely. You could calmly up and move to the next apartment. I've seen it in there. If you think my place is messy, you aint seen nothin' yet. It's an insect's dream world. You can reproduce all you want there. I'll even throw in a few crumbs on the bathroom floor tomorrow if you promise to be out by sun down.
I'm not kidding.