Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Smiles Await You When You Rise

I'm in the mood for a little poetry writing but so far there's only one line bopping around in my head:

"I regret to admit"

Not sure where that leaves me, but there are in fact a few things I regret to admit.

I regret to admit that I'm scared I'll never work hard enough towards finding a new GOOD job.

I regret to admit that I can't seem to keep my car and house clean at the same time.

I regret to admit that I've been waking up in cold sweats every night and I am not sure it has to do with my comforter being too heavy. I think my body is trying to physically rid me of the constant nagging worry I keep in the far corners of my mind. (Thanks bod!)

I regret to admit that I am heartbroken over breaking my ex boyfriend's heart time and time again. I can't tell you how much I would love to say those four words he would die to hear. But I can't.

I regret to admit that my car was booted today for neglecting 3 parking tickets.

I regret to admit that I miss my mother this week. I wish she would reach out to me more often. Sometimes a girl just needs her mother. Breaking it down to instinctual needs, my mother has a distinct smell that calms me when she lets us hug.

I regret to admit that losing my job has put a strain on my relationship with my father. We have an unspoken, unbreakable bond that many fathers and daughters do not experience. However I know he is in a position where I add stress to his life because of my "in limbo" status.

I regret to admit that following my break up, I seem to have strayed and gravitated in a direction that scares me. My biggest fear: Am I more comfortable being involved in something that's doomed to fail?

I regret to admit that my most recent dip into the dating pool has left me feeling less than stellar. Despite amazing conversations, does this person have much substance? Moreover, does anyone who still drinks actually have a chance with me? Recent news on a certain someone's past makes me wonder if I should close up shop forever.

I regret to admit that even though on most days I am not even sure marriage is for me at all, when I see a picture of an engagement ring pop up on facebook, I instantly feel sick.

So there it is.

Wait, there's more.

I do not regret to admit that I am able to actually tell the truth about what I feel these days. There was a time when this would not have been possible.

I do not regret to admit that I have a few friends in my life these days that make me feel like I'm still a cool ass chick even though I'm not keeping up with the Jones' at the moment.

I do not regret to admit that the warm weather today brought life back to my sails and that seeing dogs (littles ones) play melts my heart.

I do not regret to admit that I have a heart. The other day I was washing my hands in the kitchen. Exciting stuff. When I looked down to grab a paper towel, a red confetti heart was stuck to my wrist. I have no idea where it came from. I don't own red confetti hearts. But it made me laugh. Heart on my sleeve, literally.

I do not regret to admit that choosing a $22 hair cut at Hair Cuttery was the best decision I've made in weeks and that Kristin did a great job.

Golden slumbers fill my eyes, I must say goodnight.


  1. love this post. im missing my mom too. weird. she never talks to me except about bills.

  2. I like the I do not regret to admit. That is how you should be thinking. Fear is a very powerful thing. It is ok tho. You are allowed to make mistakes in life, it does not make u a bad person. You are not a horrible person. You are living life. I new life that you need to experience. You are still trying to find who you are and you think you need to change everythign to do that. You don't. Our ideas about how to move throughout life or what we think we need is wrong. atleast for me. You just have to take life as it is things appear if you let them. God has a plan for us. We aren't the conductors anymore. All this regret nonsense they are all things that will make you a better person if you ask for help and find the courage to move past your fears. Do not feel bad how you feel I do not hate you.

    I do not regret to admit that I am secretly happy about those dating things. Dating a drinker is weird there def is a disconnect. I am experiencing it as well.

    But do not ever ever ever try and tell yourself you are not good enough or not an amazing person because you are. Learn to love you because you are worth love. There is a reason why people love you especially me. I wish you could just see what I see about you in yourself.

    Do not get in your own way!!! You are a survivor as cheesy as that song but you are soo strong and couragous you can get through anything!!! I know it