Most days I wake up envisioning a bullet-point list of self-focused items.
- What is the latest possible minute I can sleep until before I feel ashamed of my laziness?
- How many times did my Dad call me before dawn this morning?
- Do I have enough cash on me for a Grande Black Cherry Mocha?
- Does Maddie really need to go out this morning? I don't feel like it.
- Must begin envisioning outfits to wear today that make me look like less of the slob that I am.
- Will I actually apply to new jobs today?
- Must open Gmail and cross fingers that a prospective employer liked my resume and wants me to start working....tomorrow.
- Must check Facebook to check if I've received any comments. Any attention at all boosts my dwindling early morning confidence. Same goes for early morning text messages.
However, today that's not the case. I woke up forgetting about my sorry excuse for existence and instead began thinking about a few special people in my life. I awoke in a strange state - the kind where you're still half way in between dreaming and awake, and you're convinced that the person you're dreaming about may be laying right next to you. In my case, I was dreaming about my first love. Not in a romantic sense, just a familiar one, and thus began my mental list of wondering about others.
- I wonder how Gentle Giant is doing. I hope the new relationship he's begun is fulfilling and makes him happy. He deserves to be happy even though he doesn't think he does. I hope he stops drinking that crazy herbal drink he's addicted to; he's better than that.
- Do I need to keep in touch with KvF more often when we're not together? I remember my early days of the program. I needed others to reach out to me very often, because I refused to reach out first. I would love to show her more support and stop forgetting about it.
- Francis...there's too much to say about Francis. Francis is so deeply immersed in the darkness that light seems to scare her. I wish I could steal her away from the harsh reality of Manhattan and have her live with me. Not to say that I live much better here, but her loneliness is palpable when I speak to her. We're not getting any younger, I wonder when she will want more for herself. Must call her ASAP.
- Dad, what the heck happened here? We never talk about "it" anymore. You are the reason I'm where I am today. Without you, I would not have found it. Let's get dinner tonight. (This was quickly shot down. The NCAA Championship game is on tonight. How could I forget?)
- Broseph, I'm proud of you. You're growing into a man and a respectable one at that. Remember our talk in the car - we've got strength. Make this final year at school one you will never forget. Don't look back and regret like I did.
- Maddie, it's time for some more training. You're bored, I can tell. I think I'll teach you to roll over today. If you'll actually listen. I miss your long hair. Love, Mom
- Zeus, stop loving me so much. You're too good to me and I legit can't handle it.
- Entire Family - we didn't fight once over Easter weekend. I'll never forget it. Most of you bother the sh*t out of me, but I am beginning to realize how freaking important you are to me. When I have no one else and nowhere else, I have Marlin Drive.
I love lots of people in my life, truly. I just hardly ever sit down and think about them before I obsess over me. Today was different, however. I cherish you all a lot and if you read my blog, hope you enjoy my little personal messages about you.
That's all for today kids. My allergies are GD killing me but I'm going to get out in the sun and enjoy nature. I want a new job so bad, but it's days like this that I will not be able to take advantage of while I'm in an office environment all day, so I better use this time wisely.
I will begin by blasting Beatles tunes throughout my apartment at very high volume, cleaning the disgusting kitchen, brushing Mad's hair and then taking a walk through the park.
Who's coming with me? (I'll give $10 to anyone who caught that movie reference).