Monday, February 22, 2010

Sometimes You Just Need A Happy Ending Massage.

Things I learned this week while I was anti-blogging:

1. If you've been going to bed at 3 AM since the day you were laid off on November 13th of 2009, try as you might, you will never fall asleep before 3 AM again. Accept it.

2. Start baking. Get all Julie & Julia on your ass. Make cakes and cupcakes with a funny friend who doesn't judge you for eating most of the batter. Whatever you do though, don't start knitting. Only menopausal women do that. Draw the line at dying your cupcake icing pastel colors and taking pictures of the fruits of your labor.

3. Hold on to those real friendships that last, despite lapses of communication. The true testament of a friend is one who wants to help, listen and who doesn't mind becoming your cheering squad when things are looking blue.

4. Reading a book that brings you into its world is basically crucial when you don't feel alive yourself. Good writing has the power to bring color back to your cheeks after your eyes meet a sentence that takes your breath away. Need an example? If you're a chick, read Erica Jong. If you're a guy, read her too. She writes vividly about sex. You'll dig it.

5. Talk to people even when the only words you feel like using are expletives. Isolation is a dark and scary place. Also, it may cause you to stop brushing your hair for days on end. That's never good if you don't have enough money to get your hair cut. Split ends = death.

6. Shut the TV off. No seriously, do it. Put the iPod on and blast Joni Mitchell until you can almost feel yourself zooming away on the river she wants to skate away on.

7. Don't depend on anyone else to help you find a job. Do the foot work. If you've been blessed to stumble upon a brilliant writer friend who reaches out to help, take it. But don't think that the recruiter who calls you 5 times whispering sweet nothings on your voicemail about how perfect you sound on your resume will actually do a damn thing for you. She won't. You are your greatest asset.

8. When you find yourself talking to Main Line Jews like they're your best friends, trying to push them to buy a Banana Republic credit card and pants they don't need just so you can make your sales goal at your part time job, (because somehow making it has become the reason you wake up each morning), take a step back and think: what do you really need? The answer is simple. Push your sales to the max by purchasing a necklace, a vest, a long sleeve tissue tee and an orange citrus candle. Then look fabulous wearing it all. Bask in the fact that your apartment smells like a fruity wonderland.

9. After you've purchased items of clothing that you can't afford, remind yourself that being poor makes you resourceful. Top Ramen is actually really good, so is tuna out of a plastic bag. You might even lose some weight. Score.

10. Don't take yourself seriously. If you're in a rut, admit it and move on. Laugh about your mistakes, your blunders and your insanity. If you're really mature like I am, make yourself feel better by reading the horribly written blog that the meanest guy you know authors. Life could be worse. You could be wasting your days away in a cubicle, still anticipating black out weekends (the aftermath of which make you look 10 years older than you really are) and having no chance at happiness. At least you know how to spell.

PS - Incase you're wondering where the explanation for the title of this post is, as well as the photo, I'll never tell. (I will say that I have not, nor will I ever engage in one). However, if none of my above suggestions work for bringing you out of depression like they've done for me, then maybe you should.

1 comment:

  1. Firstly I am menopausal and I DO NOT knit. Now that's out of the way, great blog. I'd like to know when my insomnia tipped me into being nocturnal, but what the heck I like the night. I'm glad you're feeing up. Long may it last oOo x