Wednesday, March 23, 2011


In therapy last night, I - or should I say we - came to the conclusion that I feel like I’m nothing, invincible, without feeling, without passion, without purpose, unless I’m in love. It’s like love is what gives me color. Without it, I am a translucentish grey that people walk through and over and under and in between. With it, I am full of mass and body and I’m plush and you can push my skin and feel that there are things going on under it, like a beating heart and flesh and blood and veins and everything that makes up a real live human! I’m saying “love” now, but last night we labeled it as “a relationship.” So, you can go back and replace all the times I’ve said the word “love” with the words “a relationship” and I’m basically making the same point BECAUSE I would never sustain a relationship without falling in love first. Period.

Writer's Interjectory Note: I cannot, for the life of me, believe I am admitting this. I have worked so hard to convince others that I am just the opposite.
Today, I hate this conclusion. It overwhelms me. I go to AA for my alcoholism. I am actually in therapy because I am coping with another disorder and NOW I’m contemplating going to CA (codependence anonymous) to learn how to let go of my obsession with other people defining me. I ask myself, “what the f*ck happened to me during childhood that produced this maniacal human being?” And I don’t have an answer, ya know?
Because it wasn’t just my shaky foundation that contributed to my issues, nor was it all the bizarre sh*t that followed during my adolescence and now early adulthood. I was obviously born with tendencies, and instincts and brain cells that help me lean towards feeling and thinking my way to worthlessness. And at the nice, ripe age of 27, I’m now learning that I have to DEAL with all of this.
Sometimes I worry that I’m like, way too obsessed with getting BETTER, being BETTER, changing these ISSUES, that I miss all the good stuff about my life that might just naturally make me FEEL BETTER without having to dish out $85 a week to yap to my therapist. And, I mean, I love AA, it’s helped me stay away from booze for almost 4 years now but even THAT pisses me off lately because I think to myself, “maybe I could let myself just BE more if I wasn’t always in ‘check your motives, your selfishness, your unmanageability' mode that the program instills in us. And yes, yes, yes, the program has absolutely, no doubt about it, ASSISTED me in lightening up and seeing the GOOD in life, but I’m sick of analyzing it all. I just want it all to stop.
My last thought (which was actually my first thought before I began typing) is that I am a freaking walking contradiction. I opened this lovely rant by revealing my shot to shit self worth issues, yet I have about 300 self portrait photos of myself on my Mac’s PhotoBooth application. If one (other than myself and actually including myself) were to look at these photos, they would say that I’m OBSESSED with myself, think I’m AMAZING, am completely NARCISSISTIC. And, well, perhaps I am.
But I learned recently that being obsessed with one's self doesn’t necessarily mean that one thinks they are the hottest thing since sliced bread. Perhaps I’m obsessed with finding the beauty in me, with looking at myself to find the truth, the hidden jewel that will push all this self-doubt away, with trying to find that “gorgeous face” that others tell me I have. And maybe I’ll keep taking pictures until I find it.
Except, I've been told that I'll never find it this way. It comes from within, right? But...HOW?
Disclaimer: This is the most honest I've been EVER on this public forum and I almost don't want to be, but I'm doing it anyway. Mostly because I know I'm not the only woman who struggles with this sh*t and I'm sick of us all blowing smoke up each other's asses, pretending we're all fine and dandy, waiting for the ring to be placed on our finger just so we can say, "phew, I don't have to do any work on myself anymore because I have someone who's stuck with me forever."


  1. All the answers ARE within. ;) This, too, shall come to pass. Hang in there. You are beautiful.

  2. An anonymous commenter?! What torture not to know who gives me such support. Thank you anon.