dot.dot.dot.

What's on my mind today:

• Chocolate. Lots of it. I quit drinking coffee and replaced it with what I thought was a much more delicate addiction: hot chocolate. I'm now drinking this at least twice a day and bouncing off the walls just as much as I was during my coffee days. Add the 2 grande cups of chocolate bliss to the chocolate truffles that were just passed around the office and you've got yourself a very sugary, caffeinated girl. It might be time to re-think this new love of mine...after I consume all the holiday cookies, brownies, cakes and pies over Christmas!
• My hair. The new haircut looks different everyday. One day I feel stylish and chic, the next day I look like I have a head full of cowlicks or bed-head. Today is a bed-head day. This would be understandable and acceptable if I drank alcohol like the rest of the Sales team that I went out to dinner with last night. The men are wearing hats and the women left early. I am still here. Blogging about it.
• My relationship. I was going to save this for last but not least but the guys next to me just brought up B and now he's on my mind. B is into practical gifts, gift cards or no gifts at all. I would love to splurge on a Christmas gift for him but I fear that he will take it back because it's not "needed". Gosh, thank God opposites attract because I love being able to give and get gifts that you can't justify on any other day besides Christmas morning.
  
• My family. I will be visiting them for my birthday on Christmas Eve and I'm excited to see my brother most of all. As I've mentioned, he plays basketball at a faraway college and is constantly on road trips. His birthday was yesterday and it's always fun to celebrate our days together when he's home. I hope after college he stays close to home because it's weird to feel so disconnected to a sibling. Also, I am going to try to keep my mouth shut when my dad serves up Christmas Eve dinner that I HATE. It's a family tradition of his (his mother and grandmother always served it) and he insists on serving it every year on the day of my birth. This year I will practice the idea that I wrote about a few days ago :silence. Maybe I'll eat chocolate instead.
  
• My dog: will she wear a Christmas outfit this year? No. I don't have the money for it. This makes me slightly upset.
• Work. There's nothing to do here, there's nothing to pretend to do here. Well, okay, technically, I'm busy for about 3 hours of my 8 hours. It's kind of excruciating.
• Sobriety. Must. Make. Lots. Of. Meetings. Starting. Tomorrow.
• Letting it be. The cute little graphic below wasn't added just because I like the little bird. Personally, B and I may have hit a rough patch. Me being the sensitive and emotional girl that I am, seem to be having a hard time letting it rest in my head. It's time. There's too much good here to let the tough times take over.
  

Speaking words of wisdom...

hush.

I've had one giant recurring thought since last night after I spoke to someone who I can aptly name my mentor. This is a thought I've had before, namely while reading "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I relate to Elizabeth when she describes her habit of talking just to fill the space of silence. She realizes while studying meditation in India that not only is her mind filled with busy and negative thoughts, but her mouth is constantly moving, talking over the moment - or taking over the moment - just because that's how she's learned to live over time. She decides to be mindful of when she does this and begin to allow moments to unfold and conversations to continue without her leading the show. Her actions become more important than her words. One of my favorite sayings has always been "actions speak louder than words" and I am not sure I've ever sat back and thought about the saying in relation to myself. I often use it to point out this issue in others.

I can say that there's one person in my life who points out my issue with this idea rather often: my father. He's constantly cutting me off when I begin one of my tangents, often asking me questions but never waiting for me to finish my stories and is constantly telling me to quit overanalyzing the situation. I have tried to shorten my sentences and get right to the heart of matters with him, but it's much easier said than done. I'm a word connoisseur! I often can't help but provide lengthy descriptions (as you can see by the length of most of my blog posts). I don't think I'll ever be a woman of few words (which is fine by me, I don't want to completely change myself!), but today I'm wondering what it would be like to just chill a little bit with it.

Simply put, "say less; do more" is where I'm at. (It's also my facebook status and has received quite a few likes - my father included). And it's a perfect day to try this out because I'm exhausted and worn out and don't feel much like running my mouth.

"Learning how to discipline your speech is a way of preventing your energies from spilling out of you through the rupture of your mouth, exhausting you and filling the world with words, words, words instead of serenity, peace and bliss."

- Elizabeth Gilbert "Eat Pray Love"

Part Deux.

I must report that I followed through on the engine jump-start that I wrote about yesterday. I feel only a tiny bit better, but more motivated in general, which is what I need. I first printed out one of my favorite Emerson quotes and pasted it to my desk at work.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered by your old nonsense."

Yes, sir. My old nonsense is exactly what's up. So, last night I came home from work after reading that quote and decided to leave all the work junk at work. This is a first. I took my dog for a really nice walk in the cold (after bundling up like woah). I did a load of laundry. I talked to a bunch of girl friends that I love. I picked out a sexy yet classy dress for my company holiday party tonight. Then I pulled myself together enough to get my butt to the gym for a nice workout. This was great for me.

I wish I could say I then settled in for a long winter's nap (and slept through the night), but life is not that easy. My boyfriend and I had a conversation where he voiced some issues with me not giving HIM enough SPACE. I have to admit something. I am the one who always needs space in relationships. I'm a freak about my space, my boundaries, my time. I have never been the one that's eating up someone else's space and I felt almost embarrassed to hear him tell me I'm doing this. I must explain him a bit to relay this correctly. He is 8 years my senior, has lived alone for the past 10 years, has never lived with a significant other or spent more than 3 days with someone consecutively. His relationship with me is the closest he's ever been to someone it seems. Which is nice. I feel special. But, I think after the amount of time we spent together last week (and there were reasons for this that are not going to be relayed here), he kind of freaked out. I didn't. He did. And that made me feel stupid! He explained that my dog bothered him, that I attached myself to him right as he came in the door and that made him feel smothered. I couldn't believe this! I can't tell you how many times I have said these same words to someone else. And now I AM THE SMOTHERER? This can't be. I have to say that I just love to feel his presence near me. Even having his shoulder brush up against mine makes me feel safe. And it's weird because usually when I'm feeling low (as I explained that I have been lately) I will choose to be alone and tell everyone else to f off. With B, I am the opposite. I hold on to him very tightly. It's wonderful to have someone like this in my life and to finally want to allow someone in, but I suppose I must be wary that I'm treading a path with him that he's never tread before. And, like me, he scares easy. We will see how it goes from here, but I will have to think about his side of things as much as my side. Can't believe I'm admitting this, though. What if this means I love him more than he loves me? My sane side says it's not a matter of that at all, just a case of someone (him) experiencing something new (my closeness).

Anyway, after the conversation, which was more like him speaking and me sitting on the other end with my mouth wide open in shock, I told him I was done for the night and had to go.

The significant portion of this story is that not even 5 seconds after I hung up with B, my phone signaled that I'd received a text. A text from my ex. My natural inclination was to answer; to distract myself from my sadness about B's confession by eating up the attention from my ex; to do something wrong to B in spite. But I did not. I ignored. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. I could not sleep. But I waited it out. I let the temptation pass. I tossed and turned and wondered if my relationship was doomed to fail just because I seem to do nothing right. Then I decided that the silence and loneliness of 3 AM was not the time to be thinking such things.

I finally fell asleep and woke up this morning to a new day. I left B a voicemail just telling him how I felt, but not blaming him for telling me how he felt. And now I'm feeling better.

Okay, see ya.

self-depricating honesty.

So, I've been feeling low lately. Heavy is how I'd best describe it. My body feels weak and I have little interest in things. I am coming off a terrible bout of the flu which has a lot to do with this funk but I'm also a bit underwhelmed with myself. I went to a meeting at lunch time today to admit to the group that I am not very capable of leading my own life without the help of the program. In other words, due to many missed meetings, a few missed deadlines, ignored responsibilities and a few stupid choices, I have once again realized that I am not very good at taking the lead and wearing the pants in life left to my own devices. I need the support of the program, I need to conversate or at least say what's up to a higher power and remember that honesty, open-mindedness and willingness are the HOW and the WHY of it all. It's winter and the bone-chilling weather leaves me justifying my lazy and lax behavior. It's as if I feel that I suffer in the cold more than the rest of the world. As I watch others move around quickly and definitively, I am questioning, "how do you do it?" while I bum around and take naps instead of tackle my check-list of "to-do's". My boyfriend is also upset with me because he feels I'm constantly making him feel like he's not good enough. How sad is it? This is the age-old defense mechanism: I feel like shit so I'll point out your flaws to distract me from mine. The big blue book that I was given over 3 years ago says something like this:

"One good look in the mirror ought to be answer enough."

One good look in the mirror today at work made me realize I again need to jump start my engine. More meetings, more working out, more writing in my journal and more taking care of me in the ways that I've been taught. That means no retail therapy, more psychotherapy. No laziness, more picking up the clothes that have been on my bedroom floor for months. It means choosing the positive outlook more than the negative one, even though the negative outlook is so much easier to lean towards. It means choosing to ignore the temptation to reach for that quick fix; that instant gratification; that validation. To wait for the temptation to pass may be difficult, but it's worth it in the end.

Let go and let...

yes, no, maybe?

So, I think I've changed my blog theme and design about 15 times in the past two weeks. I love to play around with design and color, but after I "Apply to Blog", I just don't like anything I've done. I regret messing with it in the first place.

This brings me to a deeper topic - my indecisiveness. I have found lately that I can't decide on just about anything anymore. This becomes increasingly apparent in my relationship. I find myself going along with whatever plans he has for us and very rarely disagreeing with his ideas. This is so new for me. I have always been obsessed with my way, my decisions, my ideas. It's been interesting to see how this new easy-going stuff has affected me. I actually enjoy taking the back seat and going along for the ride in most cases. That is, until a few weeks ago. I found my mind saying to me, "you make it too easy for him. Be tough like you used to." And so I started choosing random areas to speak my mind and go against his plans. This was fine with him at first but then began to confuse him because I chose to speak up at bizarre times. I didn't use any tact. Instead of him understanding that I was exercising my right to free speech, he was baffled that I was having issues with the fact that he didn't order more food for us while we were away with his family. His answer was, "you know, you can always grab your keys and get in your car and get whatever you'd like." And I was mad at that at first. Why would you tell me to go do something by myself?? But it's true. If I want more than what's there, especially while we're spending time with his family that he rarely sees, I can definitely do it myself. He would do it in a second.

Sometimes he forces me to become more independent. And I thought I really was. But, there are certain expectations I have regarding other people providing things for me, that don't really serve a productive purpose. In choosing to do more for myself, I can begin working on being so indecisive.

No idea if I'm making sense so I'll cut it now. I've had the flu for most of this week and feel like absolute shit and actually signed on to whine about that but my mind had other plans.

I kinda hate my haircut.

That's all.