Monday, December 13, 2010
So, I've been feeling low lately. Heavy is how I'd best describe it. My body feels weak and I have little interest in things. I am coming off a terrible bout of the flu which has a lot to do with this funk but I'm also a bit underwhelmed with myself. I went to a meeting at lunch time today to admit to the group that I am not very capable of leading my own life without the help of the program. In other words, due to many missed meetings, a few missed deadlines, ignored responsibilities and a few stupid choices, I have once again realized that I am not very good at taking the lead and wearing the pants in life left to my own devices. I need the support of the program, I need to conversate or at least say what's up to a higher power and remember that honesty, open-mindedness and willingness are the HOW and the WHY of it all. It's winter and the bone-chilling weather leaves me justifying my lazy and lax behavior. It's as if I feel that I suffer in the cold more than the rest of the world. As I watch others move around quickly and definitively, I am questioning, "how do you do it?" while I bum around and take naps instead of tackle my check-list of "to-do's". My boyfriend is also upset with me because he feels I'm constantly making him feel like he's not good enough. How sad is it? This is the age-old defense mechanism: I feel like shit so I'll point out your flaws to distract me from mine. The big blue book that I was given over 3 years ago says something like this:
"One good look in the mirror ought to be answer enough."
One good look in the mirror today at work made me realize I again need to jump start my engine. More meetings, more working out, more writing in my journal and more taking care of me in the ways that I've been taught. That means no retail therapy, more psychotherapy. No laziness, more picking up the clothes that have been on my bedroom floor for months. It means choosing the positive outlook more than the negative one, even though the negative outlook is so much easier to lean towards. It means choosing to ignore the temptation to reach for that quick fix; that instant gratification; that validation. To wait for the temptation to pass may be difficult, but it's worth it in the end.
Let go and let...