Thursday, December 2, 2010

yes, no, maybe?

So, I think I've changed my blog theme and design about 15 times in the past two weeks. I love to play around with design and color, but after I "Apply to Blog", I just don't like anything I've done. I regret messing with it in the first place.

This brings me to a deeper topic - my indecisiveness. I have found lately that I can't decide on just about anything anymore. This becomes increasingly apparent in my relationship. I find myself going along with whatever plans he has for us and very rarely disagreeing with his ideas. This is so new for me. I have always been obsessed with my way, my decisions, my ideas. It's been interesting to see how this new easy-going stuff has affected me. I actually enjoy taking the back seat and going along for the ride in most cases. That is, until a few weeks ago. I found my mind saying to me, "you make it too easy for him. Be tough like you used to." And so I started choosing random areas to speak my mind and go against his plans. This was fine with him at first but then began to confuse him because I chose to speak up at bizarre times. I didn't use any tact. Instead of him understanding that I was exercising my right to free speech, he was baffled that I was having issues with the fact that he didn't order more food for us while we were away with his family. His answer was, "you know, you can always grab your keys and get in your car and get whatever you'd like." And I was mad at that at first. Why would you tell me to go do something by myself?? But it's true. If I want more than what's there, especially while we're spending time with his family that he rarely sees, I can definitely do it myself. He would do it in a second.

Sometimes he forces me to become more independent. And I thought I really was. But, there are certain expectations I have regarding other people providing things for me, that don't really serve a productive purpose. In choosing to do more for myself, I can begin working on being so indecisive.

No idea if I'm making sense so I'll cut it now. I've had the flu for most of this week and feel like absolute shit and actually signed on to whine about that but my mind had other plans.

I kinda hate my haircut.

That's all.

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