Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I must report that I followed through on the engine jump-start that I wrote about yesterday. I feel only a tiny bit better, but more motivated in general, which is what I need. I first printed out one of my favorite Emerson quotes and pasted it to my desk at work.
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered by your old nonsense."
Yes, sir. My old nonsense is exactly what's up. So, last night I came home from work after reading that quote and decided to leave all the work junk at work. This is a first. I took my dog for a really nice walk in the cold (after bundling up like woah). I did a load of laundry. I talked to a bunch of girl friends that I love. I picked out a sexy yet classy dress for my company holiday party tonight. Then I pulled myself together enough to get my butt to the gym for a nice workout. This was great for me.
I wish I could say I then settled in for a long winter's nap (and slept through the night), but life is not that easy. My boyfriend and I had a conversation where he voiced some issues with me not giving HIM enough SPACE. I have to admit something. I am the one who always needs space in relationships. I'm a freak about my space, my boundaries, my time. I have never been the one that's eating up someone else's space and I felt almost embarrassed to hear him tell me I'm doing this. I must explain him a bit to relay this correctly. He is 8 years my senior, has lived alone for the past 10 years, has never lived with a significant other or spent more than 3 days with someone consecutively. His relationship with me is the closest he's ever been to someone it seems. Which is nice. I feel special. But, I think after the amount of time we spent together last week (and there were reasons for this that are not going to be relayed here), he kind of freaked out. I didn't. He did. And that made me feel stupid! He explained that my dog bothered him, that I attached myself to him right as he came in the door and that made him feel smothered. I couldn't believe this! I can't tell you how many times I have said these same words to someone else. And now I AM THE SMOTHERER? This can't be. I have to say that I just love to feel his presence near me. Even having his shoulder brush up against mine makes me feel safe. And it's weird because usually when I'm feeling low (as I explained that I have been lately) I will choose to be alone and tell everyone else to f off. With B, I am the opposite. I hold on to him very tightly. It's wonderful to have someone like this in my life and to finally want to allow someone in, but I suppose I must be wary that I'm treading a path with him that he's never tread before. And, like me, he scares easy. We will see how it goes from here, but I will have to think about his side of things as much as my side. Can't believe I'm admitting this, though. What if this means I love him more than he loves me? My sane side says it's not a matter of that at all, just a case of someone (him) experiencing something new (my closeness).
Anyway, after the conversation, which was more like him speaking and me sitting on the other end with my mouth wide open in shock, I told him I was done for the night and had to go.
The significant portion of this story is that not even 5 seconds after I hung up with B, my phone signaled that I'd received a text. A text from my ex. My natural inclination was to answer; to distract myself from my sadness about B's confession by eating up the attention from my ex; to do something wrong to B in spite. But I did not. I ignored. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. I could not sleep. But I waited it out. I let the temptation pass. I tossed and turned and wondered if my relationship was doomed to fail just because I seem to do nothing right. Then I decided that the silence and loneliness of 3 AM was not the time to be thinking such things.
I finally fell asleep and woke up this morning to a new day. I left B a voicemail just telling him how I felt, but not blaming him for telling me how he felt. And now I'm feeling better.
Okay, see ya.