Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I hate the residual break up bullshit.

My ex-boyfriend has been waiting for me to get back together with him for almost exactly a year.

It hasn't happened and I can't see it happening. Because I feel as though we've passed the point of no return. It's almost like he bothers me so much just because I can't understand why anyone would wait this long for someone to come around and get back together with them unless they literally were insane. Or really in love. But, honestly, even being "in love" wears off when it's unrequited for almost 365 days straight.

If I'm going to be honest, I suppose I could say I've "led him on" in one way or another. He is constantly available to hang out. Always, actually. Sometimes I miss the natural, comfortable friendship we have and I selfishly ask him to come over or go to the park with my dog and I because I know he will listen to me tell stories that no one else would ever want to listen to. Because most of my stories have no point, I just like to relay them so that they can be released from my overly crowded mind. And he listens.

If you're reading this, you may be thinking, "hmm he sounds like he's kind of awesome and you're an idiot for not taking the plunge and trying again." Sometimes I allow myself to think the same thing, usually when one of my best friends reminds me that she's engaged and that Zeus (we shall call my ex "Zeus" just to keep my attempt for complete anonymity on my blog going strong) is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Because apparently I am a tough cookie and no one in their right minds would want to really love me. But he does, so I should bend over backwards and let him do me in the...Just kidding. Apparently I should throw aside the fact that for some reason, I have lost all physical desire for him, and just give in because he is more devoted to me than anyone I'll ever meet in my life.

Okay, now, here's the point of my writing tonight. He is NOT a perfect creature and he is NOT innocent by any means. In fact, he talks and talks so much about his undying love for me yet he always seems to have a little chicky on the side waiting for him. And that's fine, I don't blame any girl for wanting him. He's a good on paper guy. Successful. Smart. Attractive. Strong/Silent type. I mean, he could be a little taller, but some girls don't care about that.

The problem is, the girl is my property manager in the apartment that I rent. This chick knows every financial issue I've had since I've been laid off and she's the one I have to call and ask, "Is it okay that I'm going to be late again...about 15 days late on rent?" And she answers in her horribly upbeat and high-pitched voice, "Yes, Adia. We will figure it out hunnie, okay?" And she does. She helps me figure it out. She has even tried to get me a job. I was offered a job with the property management company that she works for. Again, my landlord. I declined it.

All the while, she's texting Zeus sweet nothings about how much she misses hanging out with him. And he's telling me to make me jealous. And I'm not jealous. Until I realize, "hey, I thought you told me you two hung out twice?" Who misses hanging out with someone they hung out with twice? No one. So he lied.

No biggie, right? He lied. He doesn't want me to know he's been keeping her nice and warm on that back burner. He is human after all. And he's actually quite afraid of being alone. So am I. Sometimes. Other times I love it. But, he can't stand the fact that he may be completely SINGLE once I stop asking him to go to the park with Maddie and I and once I finally get my ducks in a line and move out of the apartment that is managed by the girl that tries to get me a job and tries not to evict me from my apartment while trying to jump on his...

But I'm pissed. Because he has a history with me that kind of includes a bunch of weird lying. And I can't help but never forget it.

All in all, I shouldn't. Because I have lied too. I have hid things from him, to be exact. Although I don't even think he cares what I do these days, as long as he can still text me and show up at my apartment to see if I'm alone.

This back and forth is stupid. One of us has to say, "LET'S JUST CALL A SPADE A SPADE." You don't really want to be with someone that has refused to be with you for over a year huh? And I don't want to continue living this way. Keeping someone around just for those times that I'm lonely or missing someone who knows the real me.

Everybody breaks up. Everybody moves on.

Everybody has someone on the back burner, slowly heating up until the time is right?

None of this makes sense and there's absolutely no way I can slap a cute conclusion on this to wrap it up. It just is what it is. And I don't know what it is. So someone read this between the lines for me and give me a brief synopsis.

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