What do I have to say tonight? I'm not sure, although I just jotted down a bunch of thoughts into a journal. I don't want to share those though, as they're not even thoughts I want to admit to anyone but myself in fear of someone saying, "that's just dumb and you know it."
I'm home alone tonight at the apartment. The roommate has strep throat and is at her parents' home nursing herself back to health. I am currently in the middle of a small allergy attack. This means I am sneezing repeatedly, nose feels stuffy and ridiculously itchy and my eyes are begging me to scratch them, but I'm trying to resist doing it because that's like a never-ending story. The euphoria I feel after scratching my eyes keeps me doing it all night if I begin. Nope, I ain't doin' it tonight, y'all.
Maddie is eating her dinner and I find it so endearing and adorable to watch her long floppy ears cover the bowl while her little snout attacks her food. She's very systematic too. She will pick a few pieces of food out of the bowl with her mouth and then drop them on the floor and eat them one by one. This is fun to watch until I realize what a mess she makes because she doesn't eat all of the pieces that she places on the floor. So, Mommy has to clean them up.
Oh! She's now moved on to her water bowl and is frantically drinking. For some reason, I always feel the need to say, "good girl, Maddie!" when she drinks. I guess I sub-consciously worry that she neglects to drink enough water because, well, I don't know why I think that. But, I'm always pleasantly surprised when I hear her lapping from her water bowl and beam with pride, thinking, "aw, she knows when she's thirsty! How cute!"
I'm trying to find a career lately. Do you know what I mean by that? Like, I've often written about different ideas I have for what I'd like to do or what I think I'd be good at but lately I'm going out on a limb and putting myself out there. I was even semi-rejected by someone regarding a position I was looking into and felt as if I could not rest until I convinced this person to give me an in-person interview. They agreed. I was shocked and proud of myself. The confidence I gained in not giving up inspired me to speak to yet another person about another opportunity. This person was completely open to the idea, and I felt so empowered. I have to be gut honest here: it's time for this girl to make some money. I know this sounds weird and maybe not believable but I haven't been very motivated by money. I have the opportunity to make a lot of overtime at my current job but over the past few months, I have felt no desire to do so. I want to grab my shit and get outta' there as soon as the clock strikes five. That's because my job isn't challenging, doesn't inspire me and I feel like I'm selling myself short. In fact, I know I am. Even though it would be so nice to have a few hundred more dollars in my bank account if I stayed and worked overtime, I find that I'm more motivated to get home and spend some quality time with my dog, or go to a meeting or get outside or do NOTHING.
And that doesn't sit well with me.
I know I'm capable of something more.
Now, I want to tell you that I realize that I speak often about the reality of today not being enough for me. And, maybe I'm the type that seems like they're never satisfied. So be it. Maybe I'm at a point where I shouldn't be satisfied with certain realities of my life and maybe I should be thankful that after some time, I'm doing something about it.
For instance, the therapy I receive every week. This is some intense stuff that has been extremely instrumental in helping me calm down for once in my life. I'm glad that I was not satisfied with how nervous and uncomfortable I always was (and can be if I don't keep working on it).
And regarding my program...Thank God I finally realized it's time for the 4th step. Although it's annoying me lately to realize how many daggers I've been wanting to throw at people all my life; daggers that have done nothing but harm me and my piece of mind. Thank God I'm looking at them so that in the future, I can have more sustainable and healthy relationships.
And regarding my job...I fought my way through college despite extremely humiliating setbacks and I realized at the end of it that I had a brain. A brain that worked rather well when inspired. If I'm not inspired, and if I know I'm not putting my best foot forward, then thank God I'm looking to find something that makes me happy with who I am and where I'm going. And let's be serious, thank God I'm finally realizing that I need to be financially stable just so that I can go to bed at night without calculating if I have enough money to eat until Thursday when I get paid next. Really? So over it.
So, this may make no sense to anyone but myself and that's okay. Because thank God I'm at a point in my life where I realize that I don't care that much if people see me fall or see me worry or hear me talk about the stuff that's uncomfortable. Because this is me. And the good part about me is that I know that "this too shall pass," and I'll be right back on here spilling the details of how I got through the difficulties and landed on my own two feet.
photo from nirrimi