Friday, August 13, 2010
Returning to a blank page.
Oh how I have longed to make a grand comeback. The negligence is shameful. I visit my blog page almost everyday and stare at the last post - song lyrics. A lazy post, one that had personal meaning but a meaning that I refused to share because it is something that is still new and fresh and hasn't yet hit the airwaves. But it's time. Time to start writing again, sharing and dramatizing like I used to. It hasn't felt good not to let it all out.
But I've been busy. I have a job now. I live in the city now, right next to the Art Museum. I have Kelly Drive now, where my dog and I spend tons of time walking along the river. I have a roommate now, whom I spend hours chatting with. I did not realize how much solitude and isolation I became accustomed to while living alone over the past year. And while I do miss the days of stripping down to nothing as I walk through the door after work, I enjoy coming home to the squeaky clean voice of my Ashley, saying "Hi babes!" just as much.
My laborious break up fiasco came to an end about two months ago. A series of events caused the final "End Scene" and we realized it was getting scary. Deep inside of me, in a place called "denial" I hide my manipulation. And it dawned on me that I had been manipulating and controlling and using my ex-boyfriend to keep me afloat. There I was, talking about freedom and liberation and living alone and learning who I was without leaning on anyone, but I was. When I needed someone to pick up the pieces, I knew he was the one. Even if we were just "friends", you cannot be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you. He still wanted to be with me. That was wrong. And so we stopped. We didn't talk for a while, and we barely talk now.
In the meantime, the most bizarre, intriguing, attractive, complex human being has come waltzing into my life. I fear writing about him in fear that he will float away with the words that I type, but it's true. There's this glorious man that has been occupying my time lately. Does it sound like I've jumped from one person to the next? Maybe it does. But in my honest eyes, it's not that way. This new human came in and I had a reaction like I have never had before - I had to have him. I knew that if I was going to bring him into my life, I had to let go of that final little string that Zeus and I had (as described above). So yes, the new human was the catalyst in a way, in closing that chapter.
The thing about new human is that everyday I learn something else that intrigues me. It's been fascinating so far. Truly has been. I don't know where it's going to go but I do know that I do not have any questions regarding what I want right now - just to have him around.
Not only do I have a new roommate, but Maddie does as well! Carter is his name; a long-haired chihuahua with the cutest of personalities. Maddie and Carter are inseparable and I have not seen my baby this happy ever. She truly needed a sibling. The relationship I've watched them form is the reason I hope to have more than one child when the time comes. Every child needs a sibling I think. Let me rephrase that. Every child should have a sibling. They're two peas in a little doggie pod.
That's all for now. I've missed you so. Have you missed me? Don't answer that :)